I love this psychological thriller. I started this story over 10 years ago. It’s not my typical genre but I do love the intricacies and nuances in life that turn us so gently.

ISBN 978-1-61333-081-4

Genre: Psychological Thriller
Length: 49 page novella.

 

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Blurb:

Mary’s obsession with the boy band Caelan began in high school. She and her friends went to the shows, picked their favorite band member, and plastered their walls with posters. Mary’s obsession leaked into college but soon was placed in a box of memories as she matured, fell in love, and built a life with her husband.

But Happily Ever After is elusive. When she suffers a horrific loss, can she depend on her old dreams to salvage her mind? Can she wander through those memories and still keep reality within her grasp?

Excerpt:

“Oh, Mary, you’re fine. You just need to get out more,” Ada would reply.

The first semester of sophomore year, they started a Caelan fan club with four other girls in their dorm. They met weekly, carpooled to concerts, and became inseparable. Sara even came up for the first couple of concerts of the year.

Sara pulled Mary aside on the first trip. “Ada is very good for you. You keep her around, okay? Promise me.”

“I promise.” Mary let out a long breath. “Why are you always so worried about me? I’m fine.”

“You keep saying those words, but they never reach your eyes,” Sara said.

“My eyes?” she asked, hurt by Sara’s words.

“Your eyes look sad when you don’t get A’s, or we talk about guys.” Sara hugged her. “I love you, and I worry about you. You know that.”

Some friends know me a little too well.

Sara’s boyfriend proposed two weeks later, and her trips to visit Mary stopped. They continued to speak every week by phone and send text messages. Mary was going to help her pick out her wedding dress when they were home for Christmas. Ada offered to come along for moral support, but they decided it would just be the girls from high school.

Mary knew she would remember this year forever. She felt like she had sisters, and the bond they created was something she had hoped for as an only child.

Best year ever.

Mary and Ada would frequently argue about which guy was the cutest and occasionally, Ada was caught off guard by her vehemence. “You take this too seriously, Mary. It’s just a boy band!” Ada would tell her with a laugh.

Mary never told Ada she knew she took it too seriously sometimes. That she would catch herself fantasizing so often about a future with Devin she would forget to complete some assignments on time and had to do extra credit to keep her grades up.

The last semester of sophomore year, she took abnormal psychology and loved it. One weekend home with her mother, she read the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. She went through every disorder and checked off the ones she was sure she had. Of course, she also diagnosed her mother, father, and all of her friends. At the end of the weekend, one thing came to mind: I’m a little more obsessive than normal. Have to watch that.

 Chapter One

Mary turned off the television as Devin finished singing the last note, the music fading away, and the music video credits rolling. She rolled over with a sigh.
“Good night, my love,” she whispered in a sleepy voice.
Devin was the lead singer of the band Caelan. He invaded her fantasies and sleep every night, with his long, wavy black hair that settled just below his shoulders and blue eyes, smoldering from underneath unnaturally long lashes. Like Mary, Devin had a Mexican mother. When he sang, a part of her responded that made her blush with excitement and confusion. When her alarm woke her, she could still hear the song playing in her head.
I don’t know exactly what he does to me; I just know I like it.
“Morning, Mom,” she shouted through her door just before her mother opened it to wake her. A daily ritual, she showered and dried her hair, applied the little makeup her mother allowed, put on jeans and a T-shirt, and headed downstairs to eat breakfast.
Her mother was waiting. “Hola, bonita,” her mother said.
“Mom!” Mary chided. Please never stop saying it.
At school, Sara, her best friend since fifth grade, met her at her locker, as she had every day for the past six years.
When Sara asked about her weekend, she told her about last night’s dream. “He’s the quiet one, the kind that can seduce you without saying a word,” she explained.
Sara rolled her eyes.
“We’re sophomores in high school, Sara, we can dream about boys.”
“You daydream so much, you walked into the wrong classroom last week and the week before,” Sara reminded her. “I’m worried, Mary.”
“I’m fine, Sara. I just want to think of him all of the time. I promise I’ll look where I’m going.” Mary felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment. “Really, I mean it.”
“This all started when your dad left,” Sara said as she walked away.
“It’s not because of my dad,” Mary called after Sara as she headed to her first class.
Mary sat in class, wondering if she was drawn to Devin, someone she didn’t know, because it was easier than dealing with the real world. She’d always been shy. She spent the day dreaming of meeting him, thought about Sara’s words, and admitted to herself that her love of music had gotten stronger when her parents had separated. She’d been thirteen. However, she’d felt okay split between two houses, until her dad moved to New York. She could still remember that conversation.
“Mary, I got a job in New York City, and I have to take it,” her father’s voice rang in her head.
You left me. Job or not, you left me.
It wasn’t that she disliked Santa Clara, but once her Dad left, it felt empty, and she’d turned to music. Her bedroom walls were covered in posters of Devin, and when high school started, she became president of his fan club. She even created a blog dedicated to Devin that gave her an excuse to read more magazines and watch all of the band’s interviews.
“Mary, you know that boy is not going to come and marry you,” her mother would say. Mary knew her mother was worried about her.
“I know, Mom,” Mary would reassure her with a lie. After a while, the lies didn’t work, and her mother took her to a therapist almost a year to the day after her father had moved to New York.
“I’m okay, Mom.” The claim went unheard—or ignored.
“Your father moved across the country, and you are obsessed with this Devin character. I just want to make sure you are okay. Okay?” The tears in her mother’s eyes got instant agreement. Mary didn’t want to see her mother hurt anymore. So, she went to the therapist.
It turned out to be a wonderful outlet for her. She could talk to someone confidentially and found that the discussions of motivation and behavior fascinated her. Even after therapy sessions ended, she would look for books on personality and obsession to read at home.
Nothing wrong with a little healthy crush.
At least, Mary wasn’t alone. Sara and three of their closest girlfriends loved the band. Each girl picked a different guy as her favorite. The unspoken rule was you could not lust after the same guy that your friend did. He could be your second or third choice, but each girl had a different first love.
Her favorite dream was that during a concert, Devin would look at her and just know she was the perfect woman for him. He would jump from the stage, grab her hand, and never let her go.
“We have to go to as many concerts as it takes for him to find me,” she told her friends. They rolled their eyes at her, but she pretended she didn’t see it.
They just don’t understand. We’d fit perfectly if he could just see me.
“When he sees me, it will be perfect.”
“Of course, it will,” Sara answered with just a small sound of sarcasm. “You know you are beautiful.”
“Sara, stop.” The topic of her looks made Mary nervous.
“Mary, you have shiny black hair to your waist, green eyes, dimples, and a natural tan. What’s not to like?” Sara had to lie out in the sun for weeks to get her skin color close.
Mary loved to have sleepovers at the beginning of the school year where she and her friends watched music videos until midnight, talked about their romantic fantasies, and even snuck in sexual fantasies. The discussion their sophomore year was all about the boys they met that summer and college boys.
Sara was as romantic as Mary. “I want him to bring flowers and music.”
“I just want him to look at me like no one else is in the room,” Mary replied.

During her junior year, her research on motivation and obsession had turned up some great articles on sexual pleasure, and she saved them on her laptop so her mom couldn’t see. After the lights were off and her mother went to bed, Mary and her friends went through all of the pictures she’d found. They all stared open-mouthed at the pictures and descriptions. Mary saw half-naked people in music videos all the time, but the internal workings were intriguing to a group of horny high school girls.
“Only Devin would look at me that way,” Mary whispered. Her friends groaned. All except Sara had given up trying to talk her out of the fixation with Devin.
“Mary, one day you will meet a guy that will make you forget Devin,” Sara said.
“Never, Sara. I will never give up on Devin,” Mary responded.
“Mary, you have been in love with Devin for a year. You don’t allow other guys to talk to you. Some of the football players want to ask you out, but are afraid you’ll say no.”
Mary was genuinely surprised. “I didn’t know.”
“Because you don’t look up from the Devin stickers in your locker long enough to see them,” Sara replied.
The other girls nodded in agreement, as Mary looked around the room. Each had quietly spoken to Mary about Devin and it being “unnatural” that she would ignore everyone else. Mary had thought they were jealous, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe they did think she was crazy.
Mary started dating a couple of football players within weeks of that sleepover. She enjoyed being popular and the attention she got from dating a “jock”. It also meant her friends stopped bothering her about Devin. He was still her dream in her mind, but now she got to go out on date night and wear letterman jackets.
Billy was her first real boyfriend. She met him during her senior year, melting the first time she saw him. He was 6’5”, with short-cropped blond hair and brown eyes. She went with him to the local park where he and his friends would take their shirts off and play Frisbee. Sara would call it her “ogling and grunting” outing. The girlfriends sat on a park bench with the coolers, while the guys ran around, showing off. Billy was sweet and treated her well. She wore his class ring and varsity jacket long enough for it to smell more like her scented oil than a sweaty football player.
There’s a stink I can do without.
The first time he took her to the beach, they sat on a blanket and watched the full moon lightly dance over the water. Billy pulled her to him, and they kissed with an intensity that surprised her, but she didn’t pull away. The kiss became urgent and deeper as his tongue slipped into her mouth, and he lay on top of her. Tender hands pushed up her shirt and explored her shivering chest, while she wriggled with warmth growing from inside her. Anticipation left them breathless as they pulled apart, and Mary was a little surprised at the fervor.
“I need to go home,” was all she could say.
“No problem. Me, too.” Billy’s cheeks were flushed red. He offered his hand and helped her to her feet.
“We could do this again, though. If you want.” A sideways glance at his happy face answered the question. He just nodded, and his smile widened.
Mary’s head spun as she realized how much she had wanted Billy and would have said yes had he asked to go further. She stared out of the window on the way back to her mother’s house. Her face felt flushed, and her heart didn’t slow down until she was nearly home. The grip she had on the armrest left a dent when she let go. Nervous and excited, she couldn’t wait to call Sara and tell her. Billy stopped the car in the driveway and pulled her into a long kiss.
I really like him.
“I like you, Mary,” he whispered in her ear.
A chill ran down her spine, and she kissed him quickly. “Same here.”
He came around the car and opened her door. “M’lady.”
“Thank you.” He walked her to the door and kissed her lightly just before her mom flashed the porch light.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said, and then walked back to his car.
Mary walked inside, hugged her mother, and ran to her room.
Sara answered the phone on the first ring. “Yes? Are we still a virgin?”
“Of course. I would not break my word.” The protest was a bit rushed, and Mary quickly amended it. “Absolutely. But if this is what playing around feels like, I’m going to love sex!”
Laughter erupted on the other end of the phone. “I told you it was fun!”
Sara and her boyfriend had gotten to third base a few weeks earlier, and she’d turn pink anytime Mary asked her for details.
“Now I know why you couldn’t talk about it.”
“You have to feel it and be there. I couldn’t explain it,” Sara responded quietly.
“I get that now. Wow, do I get it.”
That night, Billy replaced Devin in her dreams, and she didn’t even feel guilty about it the next day.
When Devin comes along, Billy will understand. Until then, he is fun!
A week later, Billy called and asked if Mary would go to the prom with him.
“Yes, of course,” she answered. Then she called Sara and screamed with joy.
Prom was a magical night. Her mother was a gifted seamstress and made her a light green, sleeveless dress. Mary picked out the fabric at the store and the pattern from one of her mother’s books. The bodice tucked under her chest and ran flat down her stomach to meet the skirt that fell in soft waves to her ankles. She wore simple black sandals that hid under her flowing skirt and allowed her to dance for hours without limping back to the car. That night, Billy took her back to the beach. This time, he’d brought a tent. Since Mary’s curfew for prom night was two in the morning, they’d left the dance at midnight to spend those last two hours alone together.
Billy offered her a glass of sparkling champagne, and they settled into the small tent, a blanket covering the sand, and a small cooler off to the side. Billy propped the flaps open, so they could see the ocean waves, but remain hidden from anyone else on the beach. This time, Billy’s kiss made her head swirl. Maybe it was the champagne, but Mary let him lift her skirt and play with her most intimate parts. The heat drove her to push against his hand with her hips, while she ran her fingers over the bulge in his pants. Mary was allowed to explore the depth of her own passions by a boyfriend who lovingly teased her, but never pushed for anything more.
“Stop please, Billy.” She barely formed the words. The edge of “yes” had crept into her mind. The open windows on the drive back to her house barely cooled her still-steaming body. The long goodbye kiss weakened her knees again. She went straight to her room, stripped her beautiful dress off, and got into a cold shower.
Her phone call to Sara was brief. “My virginity is intact. Barely. Wow.”
Sara responded, “Same here, but it was a close call this time.”
The romance with Billy changed graduation night. That night on the beach was special. He’d brought champagne again and fed her chocolate and strawberries. She laughed as he kept missing her mouth.
“Your aim is bad,” she teased.
“It’s not me. Your mouth is too small.”
“Really?” Mary challenged.
Billy responded by putting down the strawberries and pulling her into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his chest and sighed as he caressed her hair and her forehead. Eyes closed she felt his breath move down to her mouth. His kiss started slow and gentle, but she could hear his breathing become ragged. Her own breath betrayed her excitement when his tongue gently touched hers.
His lips lingered, and she pushed into him. Her desire grew, and she leaned back just far enough to pull his shirt out of his jeans. A brief questioning look from Billy disappeared with a kiss to his chin as she ran her hands over his toned chest. His fingers shook as he unbuttoned her shirt. He held her waist and pulled her gently to the blanket. Side by side, they explored exposed flesh, and their movements grew urgent. Mary gently nibbled his shoulder and raked her nails down his back.
His moan made her squirm and her back arch, allowing him to dip his head and kiss the base of her neck.
She pulled her hands around to undo his jeans, but he resisted her. She didn’t think he meant to pull away, so she smiled at him, nuzzled his chest, and reached down to his waistband again. This time stopped her. His eyes began to tear up, and Mary realized he would not make love to her. Feeling vulnerable, wounded, and rejected, she crawled away from him, grasping at her clothes.
“Mary, I’m sorry,” he apologized.
“What is it, Billy? Am I not good enough for you? Is that it?”
“No. You know I like you. I just can’t, not yet.” She heard his voice crack and went back over to him.
“Okay,” she lied. She felt rejected. The man who loved her didn’t want to be with her. Emotions churned her stomach, and she knew her night would end with her crying herself to sleep.
Sara didn’t answer the phone until four in the morning. Mary’s words came out jumbled. A few deep breaths later, and after two repeats of the intimate details, Sara encouraged her to get sleep and come over first thing in the morning.
The next morning, the mirror reflected a hurt and angry young woman with swollen eyes. She washed her face, put on a little makeup, and with the help of an ice pack, got her image back to one she deemed acceptable.
Men break your heart, and then they leave.
Memories of her father packing his clothes would not stay away, and her tears started again. She drove slowly to Sara’s house, tears blocking her vision. Sara was waiting on her front porch with a gallon of ice cream and two spoons. They rehashed the entire night repeatedly until Sara convinced Mary that Billy had paid her a compliment.
“Mary, when men say no, it’s because they want to treat your body with respect,” Sara quietly stated.
“I know he wanted me.” Her pain had begun to ease.
“Of course he did! You should see how he looks at you. He gets teased by all the other football players, because he hasn’t ‘scored’ yet.”
Mary’s head snapped up to catch Sara looking like she wanted to put the words back in her mouth.
“They know?” Humiliation made her face warm.
“Everyone knows, Mary. You have always been proud of keeping your virginity until you get married.” A slight giggle escaped Sara. “I don’t think they know you are waiting for Devin, but that doesn’t matter. He was being a gentleman and respecting you.”
Then she remembered that she hadn’t checked her answering machine all night. From inside Sara’s house, she called her mom, who said Billy had already called three times. He picked up the phone on the first ring.
“I’m so sorry, Mary.” He sounded tired.
“I’m better now.” The conversation was clipped with Sara’s mother in the house. “Sara and I are going to the beach this afternoon. Maybe you could come by?”
“I’ll be there after dinner.” He sounded relieved, and Mary felt better. She didn’t like feeling rejected. Sara’s mom gave them the basket of food she packed, and they headed off to the beach for a lazy day in the sun. Even with this morning’s phone call, she was still afraid he wouldn’t show up. Billy arrived just after sunset. She walked to his car, and he held her close. Relief washed over her as Billy pulled her into a tender kiss.
“I want you, Mary,” he whispered in her ear. “I respect you.”
She pulled her head back to look into his eyes and saw he was telling the truth. Sara came up behind her and handed her things to her. Billy drove her home. She forgave him for rejecting her, but something she couldn’t identify had changed between them.

They had just had a wonderful dinner with his parents and sat in his car in her driveway.
“Mary, I have something I need to say,” he started.
Mary felt her heart leap. He’s going to tell me he loves me.
“Texas offered me a football scholarship.” Her heart jumped.
“What?” She fought to catch her breath.
“They offered me a complete scholarship with room, board, and everything. It’s the deal I was looking for.” His voice gave away his excitement.
“You are leaving me.” Mary felt her stomach lurch and began to feel suffocated in his car. Grasping for the door handle, she struggled to get out.
She gasped for breath, and Billy ran around the car to help her out. He held her until she could breathe steadily again and then stepped back. The joy on his face wasn’t hidden by his concern for her.
Men leave.
“Just go.” She walked toward the front door.
“Mary.” He grasped her hand in his and pulled her into his arms. “I love you. I’m not breaking up with you.”
“You are leaving me,” she whispered.
Her mind began to fog with pain and angry words started forming sentences in her mind.
Keep it together just a little longer.
“I have to go, Billy.” The walk to the front door felt like it took forever. She glanced back as he opened his car door. “Goodbye.” Her heart followed the rumble of his car until she could no longer hear him.
Mary settled into bed and tried to push away feelings of abandonment.
All men leave me, all of them.

 

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