Review: Vampire Assassin

220px-Vampire_Assassin
(I’m nice when I review books – Cheesy, bad movies. No such luck.)
This is the movie for people who loved the concept behind Blade but thought the acting and special effects were just way too good. It was awful. The star of the movie is the writer, director, and co-producer. I’m leaving his and the names of the others involved out of this. I’m hoping they are ashamed and do not want to be associated with it in any way. This may be painful for any of them to read.
  • The background to the opening credits looks like sperm swimming in green vomit.
  • In the opening sequence, there is a dark vampire with a platinum blonde wig that is falling off. When s/he stops moving it keeps going for a second, stopping slightly sideways.
  • When vampires die, lightning jumps out of their chests. Although, it doesn’t hit anyone. That would be a great weapon!
  • The main villain vampire has a cape that can kill, suffocate, and strangle solely by pointing at the intended victim and snarling at them.
  • When the vampire turns into a bat, you can tell its a huge grey rubber bat from the store.
  • The cape is bullet proof, which begs the question, why would someone who is undead need a cape to bat away bullets in one scene and act like they don’t hit him in another one?
  • The hero has a girl, an Asian girl. This very pretty actress’ voice track is the only one that is off. In one scene with the hero, her voice track is noticeably off and his lines up just fine. Very weird to watch (other Asian actors in this movie don’t appear to have this problem).
  • During one scene, a vampire opens his mouth to show his fangs. There are gaps where they should be and then you SEE them wiggle into place. Like someone has them on a string and is pulling them into place from off camera.
  • All of the fangs were obviously whitened and then pasted on over the actors teeth. They didn’t match their color and you could see their real canines underneath.
  • After a battle at the police station, most of the cops awaken as vampires. However, they get up like 90-year-old zombies and shuffle across the floor. I don’t know what the premise is for them moving that slowly. It is never explained. One actor even leaves his head tilted like he cannot hold it up. Ten of them moved too slow to catch one man dragging our hero out of the way. Really.
  • The final battle sequence was very odd. Each time our hero meets a new opponent they each take a moment to individually show off their martial arts skills. There are even pauses so each can pose and look angry. 

This was a very bad movie. Watch it if you like to yell at the screen because you will have plenty of reasons.

Graylin